May 3, 2009

Where I've Been and *gulp!* Where I'm Going

What do you do when God asks you for something you aren't willing to give?

Well, you cry a little, rage a little, yell and kick and scream a little. Cry a little more. You ask God "Why?" You angrily refuse to listen to His gentle voice, even as He tries to quiet your fears and explain His motives. In a moment of confused desperation, you might even threaten to sever your ties with Him completely.

But then . . . after the tears dry and the anger subsides, you give Him what He wants. Because He's God. Because without Him, you really have nothing. Because if you can't trust your Creator, you can't trust anyone. And that's where I'm at now.

I'm looking for work again. Not part-time work (unless it pays enough), but full-time. Jason has had no luck with jobs so far, and me being employed is an option we need to consider. If I find work, Jason will stay home with Caleb and continue to look for work while studying for a couple computer certifications. The idea is I would only work for a few months, that this total shift in our lifestyle would be temporary.

Oh Lord, I hope so.

Craigslist has become my new Best Friend. I've submitted applications for writing gigs, teaching jobs, daycare, summer camp counselor positions, library staff, even one for a communications coordinator at a local church. Nothing has happened yet, but some of these jobs take a few weeks to process. Jason also continues his search; secretly, I hope he finds work first. I think he's secretly hoping for the same thing.

Neither one of us is uber-excited about making me the provider. Even if the situation is temporary. But God's still small voice asks us to trust Him, even if we don't understand why. I don't want to give up my status as a Stay-At-Home Mom. I'm rather attached to that title, actually. But I'm more attached to God. And if He leads me back to the workforce, I will follow. I will trust Him with my family and I will follow.

In the meantime, Jason and I enjoy quiet, precious moments with our son. We go hiking, visit SeaWorld, spend time with friends. These outings are islands of peace amidst a very stormy sea we've faced here at home this last week and a half. Housework has gone undone, phone calls unreturned, errands forgotten. Jason and I sat down last night and figured out a plan to help us manage all the responsibilities together and still have time to job search. Please bear with me if I don't respond to calls or emails right away. I still love you. I promise. :)

Indeed, I have missed my bloggy friends! I have three or four posts I want to write about our latest escapades with Caleb (complete with pictures!), but I wanted to write this post first. I've been a bit absent lately, from Blogger and Facebook, and now you know why.

I would really appreciate your prayers right now, friends. God is making a lot of changes to our lives, both big and small. Sometimes I just feel dizzy from it all. But I love you guys, and I'll do my best to keep ya'll in the loop, ok?


LeAnna said...

Aw, girl, I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. Even though what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (rather bold, eh?) and we know beyond doubt that when the Lord is on our side, he KEEPS us in perfect peace and He knows our hearts desires.

Know that I am still praying for you both! You're not alone in a season of changes. It seems there are so many in the same boat. Good thing you're letting God control the helm!

Lindsay said...

Love you, sweetie. Something will come up at exactly the right time, and it will be the exactly right thing for you and Jay and Caleb.